Setting limits isn’t mean or selfish. It is an essential behaviour in relationships both with other people and also in your relationship with your self. Limit setting is about quality relationships and mutual respect.

Mostly people fail to set limits out of fear. Approval is a seminal human need and setting limits can create conflict that can appear to risk a relationships status quo.

Fortunately, as so often is the case, what appears as true is often not. Relationships are always changing. In fact if they stay the same they may stagnate and die. Making a relationship work for you will give it the best chance of healthy longevity. Indeed the sooner you communicate your needs the better. Leaving things till later reinforces the inaccurate impression that you are OK with unacceptable activity.

There is also a cord of thought that runs through our community that suggests setting limits on other peoples behaviour is a diminishment of their right to freedom of choice. Applying this idea to limit setting is a misunderstanding of what this relationship skill achieves.

Limit setting doesn’t stop someone acting in any given fashion rather it is an honest statement about what you will accept in your life. Setting limits is about defining your boundaries rather than theirs. The recipient of this information is then in a position to choose to act in the context of this information.

The first necessary step in setting limits is to establish the fact that you are as worthy and important as anyone else. You are allowed to say no to any situation that doesn’t suit you. Asserting yourself may not make you popular in the short term, but you will experience a self-respect that is increasingly reflected in the quality of your relationships.

When you communicate your boundaries be firm and clear about how you need things to be. Be prepared to listen to the other people’s interests and accordingly able to negotiate. Everone has different needs and opens a dialogue through which each individual can get what he or she wants in a way that works well for all.

Martin Hunter Jones is an honorary life member of the Australian Counselling Association. He has a Counselling and Hypnotherapy practice on the Northern Beaches. For appointments call 9973 4997.